how to make friends online

I’ve been making friends online since the late 1990s. When I was 13 years old, a friend I met on AOL literally saved my life. Ten years later, I got a job at the New Yorker thanks to a friend I’d met on Livejournal. When I was 29, I co-founded a writing conference that sprung out of a community of 30,000 women writers on Facebook.

In May, the US Surgeon General issued an advisory about a national epidemic of loneliness and isolation. Ever since I was a teenager, the internet has been a place I’ve turned to for connection and community.

But what comes instinctively to me does not seem natural to most people. Most writers tell me they feel uncomfortable about making connections online. It’s awkward!

There is a lot of advice online for writers about putting yourself “out there” and being “brave” about “showing up” for your “community” as a “literary citizen.” I find this advice vague and unhelpful.

Also unhelpful? Prescriptive advice that’s scolding or shaming: DON’T EVER do X or you’ll look like a total amateur! Don’t ask Y person for Z unless you want them to mock you on Twitter! DO NOT follow up about Q until at least 16.4 days have passed, OR YOUR CAREER IS OVER.

I am guilty myself of giving advice like this and admittedly, my advice is inspired by many years of being on the receiving end of requests for favors from people who believe they are in a relationship with me that does not exist.

So let’s talk about online relationships.

Making friends online is how I have a career as a professional writer. Without my weird social skill, I would not have a professional network. I dropped out of high school at 17 and didn’t finish my bachelors degree until after I’d written my first two books.

If you are looking around you and thinking wow, it looks like all these people are getting their books published because they’re friends with the other people getting their books published—have I got good news for you. You can meet those people, too. Here. Online.

I thought about what has worked for me since 2004, when I first started publishing, and came up with this list of actionable steps you can take to improve your internet social skills:

1. First, be a follower. That means following the people you hope to befriend. Follow them on their social media platforms. Subscribe to their newsletters. Buy their new books. Follow their work wherever they’re sharing that work in public.

2. Look for what you share in common, not what makes you different. This is a social skill I learned from my dad. He can make a stranger into a friend in five minutes or less. All he does is ask questions until he finds something he has in common with the other person.

3. Use your own name and face. I have an extremely good memory for names and faces—both in-person and online. But if your profile image on social media is not a photo of your face, I don’t feel the same level of warmth and trust I feel toward an account with a photo. The effect is psychological. It’s like talking to someone at a Halloween party who’s wearing a mask. I know you ARE a real person under there, but I need to connect your name and face in my mind to remember you. I have a similar problem with authors who go by their initials on social media. I recently said to someone on Threads, who goes by her initials, “Your name is Sue, right?” And she said her name was Sarah. For weeks, I’d been exchanging delightful banter with someone I was calling “Sue” in my head. Whoops! Yes, there ARE author brands with initials! You CAN do it! But if we’re talking about making more friends, I recommend having at least your first name on your account. This is also why I have the pronunciation of my name (rhymes with bee) on the internet: I believe it helps people remember who I am—by helping them pronounce my difficult first name.

4. Be friendly in public. Hit that heart button. Under your actual identity, leave friendly comments on their social media posts or TikTok videos or Substack newsletters. Friendly comments are: supportive, cheerful, kind, sympathetic, encouraging, funny, warm, validating, curious. Friendly comments are not: critical, oppositional, challenging, aggressive, mean-spirited, threatening, pedantic, outraged. Maybe it seems silly to make these lists, but the adage “people remember how you made them feel” is true. When the first social media or Substack comment I receive from someone is challenging or correcting me, that’s a bad first impression (as I said above, I have a very good memory!) If you’re wondering, but what if they post something that I strongly disagree with? Newsflash: you’re not going to change their mind as a random stranger in their comment section! You have a much better chance of persuading a friend in private than a stranger in public. I’ve been on the internet long enough to know this.

5. Build on good rapport. Maybe the writer you admire is now replying to your public comments—or even following you back! (Now they’re a “mutual”). They see you as someone they can trust, who they have something in common with. Build on the foundation of good rapport you’ve built by finding small ways to make their day: by sharing something they posted with your followers; by recommending one of their books; by replying to their Instagram stories, so your message goes to their DMs. In DMs, you can now have more direct conversations. At this stage, it’s like transitioning from a dinner party where eight people are sharing the same conversation to a more intimate conversation in the kitchen with one of the new people you met at dinner. When it’s early in your relationship, I would recommend avoiding over-sharing. I know it can seem like Now Is Your One Chance to Tell This Person Everything They Need to Know About Your Life and the High Drama of Your Writing Career, but be cool! You have time!

6. Read cues. You can learn to read behavioral and social cues online just as you read them from your friends and acquaintances offline. A simple way to know what another person needs right now is to listen to what they say. If you’re following them (step #1), you’ll know from their Substack essays, or their Instagram posts, what they want their audience to know about their life right now. If you’re sending your new friend more messages and comments than you’re getting in return, you might be coming on a little strong. Think about the vibes you can pick up from a text thread with a friend and apply that intuition to your DMs with your online friends.

7. Show up in person. If you ever have the opportunity to go to an event where you can meet an online friend, do it! A couple weekends ago, I had the pleasure of reading poetry in Brooklyn, to support the launch of my friend Gabriel Dozal’s debut poetry collection The Border Simulator. Gabriel and I became friends on Twitter and it was the first time we met in person.

   

8. Make deposits in the bank of good will before asking for a withdrawal. My love language is acts of service and it’s an honor and a joy to help my friends however I can—by listening to them, by connecting them to other professionals, by reading their manuscripts and blurbing their books. I think of my network as a kind of wealth that I’ve built up over many years. When I’m in the vulnerable position of having to ask for help, I’m grateful I have people I can go to. I know I’m not alone.

I believe you can build the same foundation of mutual respect, commonality, genality, and good humor with friends online as you can offline. I encourage you to leave a kind comment or send a warm DM to someone today! You never know who really needs to hear it.

Do you have a tip for making new friendships or maintaining them over time? I’d love to know in the comments!